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I really don't like where I'm living now. I'm getting ready to leave and - Wow, we interrupt this regularly scheduled rant to bring you breaking news: I'm in a bad mood. The bad mood affects how I see life. I enjoy where I live right now pretty well, actually. Where I used to live, on the other hand, I hated with a spectacular passion that I had to suppress until I moved or I would have been very depressed. My city is a good one. Not too large, not so small that I can get across it in thirty minutes. Something new can be found every day. I'm also so tired I mis-spelled at least ten of the last twenty words.
The reason I'm in a bad mood, you ask? I've been sick since Monday. Steadily improving, I think, but my energy is low and my voice is a third or so lower. Also, my older sister and her fiance are in town. Family. Gotta love it. There's been a lot of ups and downs. I'm so tired that I want to stay in, but I feel guilty that I'm not spending time with family. Then again, they surprised us with the timing of the visit (nine days before Christmas), and the scarf had to be speed-knit. (It's done! By the way, and absolutely gorgeous.) Perhaps the resentment can cancel out the guilt. I really want to see her face when she opens it, though. That may make up for a lot. Uh-oh, I sense high expectations. Large chance of disappointment, abort, abort!
I've practiced violin very consistently over the past four to seven days. I haven't been counting so much as thinking that I should practice every day. Empowerment from working out with Mom? I have time, I might as well. Also, I don't have time, graduate school deadlines loom.
I hate the looming, I really do. It scares me and makes me want to run for cover instead of getting my ducks into line. I just want it to be finished already. Circle of procrastination alert. I wait, which makes me nervous, which makes me wait more, which makes me panic, which either makes me wait until next year, or (I think) try to get everything in and do a bad job of it, so I wait. It's a bad cycle. I have to see things as nonthreatening in order to start, but urgent enough to actually get it done. Getting applications in just isn't that way. It's threatening. You are opening yourself to criticism and rejection by sending it. You are trying to change your life by doing it. It's significant. I can't see it any other way. The solution, I suppose, is to gird oneself for the inevitable. Be fearless. What could happen? It's paper. If they say yes, you can always say no. But you really want them to say yes. !%$#. However, acting confident, ever if you aren't, usually leads to good things. I learned that from my violin teacher. Play loud and fast, and sometimes (usually after lots of practice) everything just gets better.
I want to thank the English language and the written expression of it for allowing this rant to happen. Until next time, kiddies.
Greeny
The reason I'm in a bad mood, you ask? I've been sick since Monday. Steadily improving, I think, but my energy is low and my voice is a third or so lower. Also, my older sister and her fiance are in town. Family. Gotta love it. There's been a lot of ups and downs. I'm so tired that I want to stay in, but I feel guilty that I'm not spending time with family. Then again, they surprised us with the timing of the visit (nine days before Christmas), and the scarf had to be speed-knit. (It's done! By the way, and absolutely gorgeous.) Perhaps the resentment can cancel out the guilt. I really want to see her face when she opens it, though. That may make up for a lot. Uh-oh, I sense high expectations. Large chance of disappointment, abort, abort!
I've practiced violin very consistently over the past four to seven days. I haven't been counting so much as thinking that I should practice every day. Empowerment from working out with Mom? I have time, I might as well. Also, I don't have time, graduate school deadlines loom.
I hate the looming, I really do. It scares me and makes me want to run for cover instead of getting my ducks into line. I just want it to be finished already. Circle of procrastination alert. I wait, which makes me nervous, which makes me wait more, which makes me panic, which either makes me wait until next year, or (I think) try to get everything in and do a bad job of it, so I wait. It's a bad cycle. I have to see things as nonthreatening in order to start, but urgent enough to actually get it done. Getting applications in just isn't that way. It's threatening. You are opening yourself to criticism and rejection by sending it. You are trying to change your life by doing it. It's significant. I can't see it any other way. The solution, I suppose, is to gird oneself for the inevitable. Be fearless. What could happen? It's paper. If they say yes, you can always say no. But you really want them to say yes. !%$#. However, acting confident, ever if you aren't, usually leads to good things. I learned that from my violin teacher. Play loud and fast, and sometimes (usually after lots of practice) everything just gets better.
I want to thank the English language and the written expression of it for allowing this rant to happen. Until next time, kiddies.
Greeny
