deepgreen18

This has truly been a remarkable semester.

I've lived alone for the first time in my life.

I've lost my care for things. This one is hard to explain. Basically, my innate motivation, forward momentum? Has been stilled. Living alone has played a huge part in this, I believe.

Not only that, but I've been chin-deep in denial of my feelings about my entire experience here from the beginning.

Not three weeks here, I read this article about a man who changed professions often. His posited reason for it was that he asked himself "Am I passionate about this?" and if the answer was "No" he'd move on. I, of course, asked myself that question. Immediately, I shied away from the answer, but it has affected my performance and happiness so much that I must now face it. I'm not particularly passionate about performing. In fact, I rather dislike it. So why am I getting a Master's degree in it? Simply put, it is what I felt qualified to do. That is why I chose a music major in undergrad, as well. Not a great idea, it seems.

I've been to visit a career counselor, but I feel the main effort must be made by me. (Alliteration, ah, my love.) I've never felt that I'm good at self-fulfillment. Searching for jobs, schools? My pattern thus far has been to procrastinate with abandon and then only make a token effort. The most successful attempts I've made to date have been my trip to Vienna (got that application done in a week, deadlines), and my application to the Musick School. Perhaps the school-searching didn't go so well the two times I've done it because 1) I didn't know what I wanted to do the first time, and hello! Fear of the unknown. Plus 2) I subconsciously knew that performance wasn't my passion.

My one-on-one counselor said yesterday that life is too short not to be doing what you love. It felt like a cliche then, but resonates more today. I don't want to be stuck doing something distasteful to me.

I have another appointment with my counselor tomorrow. Haven't done much for it yet, though I have "plans" and some time before bed to rectify this situation.

There's only three things left here to do: The Centennial Concert, my jury, and my history final. I'm not looking forward eagerly to any of them just now, and I won't unless I do my fricking practice/homework. It is frustrating to be at the end of a cycle of not doing my homework/practice. It makes it so easy to just ignore it. I figured out why I was ignoring it in the first place, though. While I was homeschooling, homework didn't feel all that important, and I had a remarkable tendency to do it every day (don't ask me where it came from, I'm just glad it happened like that). Then in undergrad I had a roommate that I would go and talk to/at when I knew I needed to do my work, but didn't have the gumption. More often than not, I talked myself into doing it. Also, she set a fine example for me. This is sort of replacing that. I think it would work better if I said it aloud, and had someone to be accountable to, so no more living alone for me after my apartment contract runs out.

I'm rather afraid of the future right now. I don't know what I'll be doing next semester besides classes. Searching, I guess. I hate searching. This doesn't bode well for the search. Sometimes I can get into it. My car search, for example. Mom had to really prod me into it, but once I got going it only took a couple of days. Strict parameters help, but what parameters can one really give oneself for their life? 

I like to say I'll try anything once (excepting that stuff someone else tried and it turned out badly), but I haven't really tried all that much career-wise. I've been a secretary of sorts, filing, stuffing envelopes, answering the phone, doing the books for my father, and later my boss at the aforementioned school. I've been a music teacher and mentor mostly for children ages 5-13, with a few college age people (19-27) and a couple retirees (65-ish). Technically, I've been a cashier and janitor. Oh, don't forget a babysitter, house-cleaner, and groundskeeper. People generally have lots of odd job experience, I guess.

I kind of want to do the horribly cliche jobs: waitress, and...well, that's it, really. Maybe Walmart employee, what do they call them? Associates. I'm tempted to say denizen, or minion. However, I've started to distrust my own judgment. This is near the same impulse that had me trying to live alone, you see. I kind of know I'll dislike it, but I don't really know that until I try. Tempting...but I'd really rather avoid any more job-related mental scarring.

My job counselor lady wanted me to check out the curriculum/requirements for my prospective job ideas, take the little self-tests, and, well, I don't know what her expectations are about job-shadowing. I just know she wants me to do it, and I want to as well, though it is something entirely outside my previous experience. Can you truly gain experience without experiencing something first-hand, though observation is considered first-hand knowledge, first-first-hand?

My main objection to this whole idea of pursuing happiness (thanks Lincoln) is that I'm not sure there is happiness out there for me. What if I perpetually stumble around being miserable for the rest of my life? Okay, I wasn't truly miserable last year (well, not the second half of it), but I wasn't fulfilled, either. Just existing, doing my job, waiting for something better. Funny how I can wait for and envision "something better" (or even something perfect), but I'm not sure I believe in it. What was the saying on top of one of the teacher here's door? "Don't believe everything you think". However, I found the quote: "Excellence is not a singular act, but a habit. You are what you repeatedly do." to be much more inspirational, and true!

I want to be excellent. I want to have the habit of excellence. Right now I have the habit of laziness, I think. I get up and read, or listen to books and knit, or clean or make food. I basically do everything in my power to avoid my studies, practice and all. It is not such a shock that I'm not making progress, or enjoying the stagnation. I hate my habits, right now, shall I endeavor to change them?

I didn't go anywhere, today is the only day I think I've spent entirely in the apartment. It was interesting. I saved myself from frustration by doing my German take home test. It is finished! Unfortunately, that is the only thing I got done because I was also watching TV. What programs do they have in Vienna that could interest me, you ask? They have BBC Prime here (BBC means British Broadcasting Company. Think of it like ABC, except they have multiple channels, so Prime means something different than BBC1 or BBCA), and they showed the first two episodes of Doctor Who, first season. There were no commercials, so at the end of the hour they showed a making-of bit. 'Twas interesting. 

The gang has been coming and going all day. At first they went to the store to replace the food we mistakenly thought was ours. Turns out it was Ben's, our RA. Oops. His cereal was good, though. I will probably get some in the near future. After I posted earlier, they went to the European Soccer Cup, or Eurocup. It is being hosted in Vienna, and will last for about a month. This means there will be rabid fans roving the streets and the city has dedicated certain buses/trams for them. So much for getting to IES that way. Of course, soccer being a really large thing in Europe, the tickets to this event have been sold out since March, of last year. So my dear flatmates did not go to the actual game, but a "fan zone" with a big screen showing the action. They said it was fairly rowdy. They were also drinking before they left. I'm somewhat worried about this. I had decided before coming here that I would abstain not only because I will not be twenty-one before August, but also because I want to start officially drinking under controlled circumstances. 

My family has an unfortunate history of alcoholism, and while I don't particularly like alcohol from the experiences I've had so far, I don't truly trust myself to be unaffected. I know I have a slightly addictive personality. I like my books, TV, and knitting/crochet far more than many people. And when I start something new (a series or project), it is usually an obsessive time. 

That said, I don't think Brooke shares my sentiments. According to her, she did not really drink until she arrived here. Alcohol in all its forms is freely available here. Grocery stores carry Vodka, wine, and beer the same way Walmarts carry beer in the states. It takes up a whole aisle in a six aisle store. It is also legal for anyone above sixteen to drink here. So we can go and buy anything we want at the store or a heuriger (wine tavern, we go there for dinner on the IES field trips). I personally observed Haley and Brooke imbibing in vodka shots before they left with Andrew and Kenya. They came back a few hours later, and asked me what I was watching, turns out they have never seen nor heard of Dr. Who before. The shame. 
They had the rest of the vodka with Kenya and Andrew helping. If you ask me, Andrew is far more annoying when he drinks, and his 'encouragement' of Brooke's drinking is a bit worrying. Andrew overall is a bit annoying, he doesn't like to share details. And I like my details. They went, and came back again. They sat here and decided to 'go out'. Through this whole thing, they offered me something twice, and I said no, thanks. I really don't mind trying (as in tasting) wine, because it may very well taste okay, but vodka? Not happening until later. However, I'm not going to condemn them for doing this. I may not approve of their behavior, but I have no say in what they should and shouldn't do. Also, I am using this time somewhat selfishly to observe how people act when they drink. Observation is something I've always done. I usually get something out of it, so why not? 

I am tired. See my posting time? I didn't mean to make it perfectly on the hour, that just happened. 
I'm going to bed now. 
Greeny