deepgreen18 | Entries tagged with thought

It amazes me what the simple passage of time brings. Deadlines pass, people grow up, learn more, get healthier or feel poorly, and most of all: people move. Movement is a requirement to life, it seems. Everyone has to breathe.

More than that, people change location. Whether they crawl, walk, run, or fly; people go different places, and affect others because of it. My most recent teacher of crochet and knitting, Kate, just moved away to Ohio. Because of this, I'm helping run a knitting group. I hadn't put it in those terms before, but that's what I'm doing. I'm teaching others how to knit and crochet, sending out e-mails to remind people that we are meeting, even planning how to best entice people to keep going once they've started. When people pass on (in one way or another), their responsibilities fall to others. It makes me wonder who will step in and teach once I'm gone. Maybe I'll get to meet him/her.

I haven't given ya'll news on what I'm knitting recently, have I? Right now (and for the past three weeks) I've been slowly making a cowl out of a lovely coral-colored silk-bamboo yarn (my younger brother keeps calling it a scowl). The pattern is very simple, only two stitches, but seems complicated because of it's arrangement of aforementioned motions. The most unexpected thing about the entire thing is that this pattern is the only one my teacher ever asked for a copy of. The last meeting we have together, and she does that. It was a sweet moment.

I keep coming back to her, so I may as well address this to her. Kate, fare well in Ohio, we all will miss you.

Until next time,
Greeny

Current Mood: content

I think it's a record: two weeks without posting! My natural inclination in this kind of situation (letting a rather over-the-top not-so-good thing happen) is to smile and laugh. I honestly find it amusing, because what else can you do? Beating yourself up with guilt or nervousness isn't going to help. So...hi! I'm back again.

The last two weeks have been pretty normal. I've read too much fanfiction, haven't really practiced, and haven't really knit anything. Last Saturday (our gig) went extremely well. It wasn't a perfect performance, but there were only minor setbacks, and overall I had a lot of fun. I was rather scared on the day, and it was eerily similar to how I felt before my senior recital; even the result was similar. However everything else went, today is better than the Tuesday of two weeks ago. There are several reasons behind this: I've gotten more sleep than usual, my schedule is settling down into something predictable, my situation has a bright hope in the future (orchestra auditions, it's sort of a really good/bad situation), and I've re-acclimated to my environment. It's funny, I hadn't realized that I needed to get used to living at home again. I never felt so out-of-sorts while I was at Vienna, or even after, but I realized today that I've been inside the college culture for the past four years and changing from that to where I am now was a real adjustment.

I'm not taking any classes this semester besides my violin lessons. It was kind of a shock to understand how dependent I was and am on outside forces to order my life. My classes were an anchor and guide during my time at TU. I got up in time to attend them; I scheduled my time around my homework and everything else, and I relied on the teachers/faculty to be my caretakers. They were responsible for setting class times, teaching the material, giving assignments, and expecting me to come/learn/complete everything. In a way, it was very easy for me to coast on that relationship. I'm smart, I've never failed a class, and most are fairly easy for me. My biggest breakdowns in school came when I either could not complete the work assigned (ten page paper during freshman year) or they asked me to go above and beyond class responsibilities (concerto competition senior year).

Now I have no "caretakers" to assign me my life, and I've felt a bit adrift because of that. Thank goodness for counselors, huh? I do have goals, I just forgot them for a while. My biggest goal is to be a college professor of music. I don't know how much that goal will change as I attempt to achieve it, but for now, it is what I want to do. Thus, during this year off of school (out in the "real world") I will be working at least one job, and I will also be looking at and applying to graduate schools that are of interest to me. In all likelihood, my job(s) will gain me experience in my chosen field and some small monetary gain. Similarly, my search and applications will likely reap at least one acceptance. Then, off I go, back to school, maybe (hopefully) a bit less dependent on others to order my life for me.

I've never taken to change well. These past few months have underscored that for me, but once the change is past, I deal with it. Thank goodness I have people who are helping me deal with it well.

Current Mood: serious
Current Location: Home, my room, on my laptop,

Today is my birthday, I'm 22 years old/young/whatever. It's not such a big deal. I'm thinking that my 25th will be a big party; what else is the first fourth of your life for? But for today, I'm just acting my usual semi-social, haphazardly planning self.

Somewhere in my brain, I am constantly subverting tradition. This is at least partially because I'm number two of five children. Being just the same as everyone else makes me cringe. Thus, you have me ordering different food at restaurants than my family, a virgin pina colada on my 21st, and getting a birthday pie today. I fully intended to buy my usual ice cream cake, but when we got to the store the pie was right there, and I couldn't help myself. (I got French Silk pie and a cheesecake sampler) It's going to be so good.

I know already what half my presents are, and am looking forward to the rest. This year was better (and worse) than many. That is how it seems to go, huh? The higher the highs, the lower the lows. Balance is inherent in many things. My favorite thing about the past month was being with my parents, talking with them one on one, no real distractions. It made me feel special.

While I'm rambling on, I may as well mention a conversation my brother and I had. We were coming home from the airport, and were talking about age. He mentioned that he felt he stopped maturing at 14, and that is was scary that so many people treat him as an adult. I've also heard this sentiment on XKCD.com (very funny, overly educated snarky cartoons, try it!). Here:

I don't really feel that way. I often feel that people treat me as more mature than I am, but I'm constantly experiencing new things and learning from them. Maybe the difference is that I haven't given up on maturity yet, and I'm willing to redefine it as I go. People treating you as mature is not necessarily a bad thing. Conforming to the expectations of others is a normal thing for many. The best example of that for me is the orchestra here in town that I've played with (remember that week?). At school we were all more or less the same level, and slacking off is a way of life for many a student. However, in a professional orchestra the expectation and, consequently, the level of performance is higher. When I play with them I feel elevated, made better by the good performances of the people around me.

That was probably enough thoughtfulness for today, here's some knitting!

This is the baby thing (my younger brother decided it looked like a mini skirt) at about 13 inches. The curly bit at the bottom? That's where the drawstring holes are. (That's also my shoe at the very bottom, just noticed that). It's gotten even bigger since then, I'm currently reading about 18 inches, and am aiming for 21.5 in. before I start the armholes. Wish me luck!

Until next time,
Greeny

Current Mood: jubilant
Current Location: Home

I watched a movie tonight. Usually, I avoid movies that I know will have emotional climaxes of the serious kind. Today, I was sucked in before I realized, and then I didn't care. It was Good Will Hunting, by the way. It's about a kid from South Boston who's a genius. He grew up in a horrible situation, orphaned early, had abusive foster parents, and at twenty has a rap sheet longer than my arm. He works at MIT as a janitor. One day, he solves a difficult math theorem, or proves it, as they say, and that sets off a whole chain of events. This guy, he's super smart. He doesn't think quite like the rest of humanity. But, he still is human. He shuts people out so they can't abandon him, excepting his three best friends who are his family. Over the course of the movie, he enters therapy, and learns, slowly, to understand that keeping people out is not a good thing. And, that his past is not his fault.

Really, the entire movie, is all about those two things.

I felt great resonance with this character. Mom has always called me a genius. I've always felt that I've been a step behind or beyond or just out of step with the rest of humanity, excepting my closest family. Even then, some periods just weren't fun. I'm in therapy now. I won't bore you with why I started in the first place, but I've been learning extremely similar lessons. I'm fracking afraid of people. I have my reasons, most of them don't stand up to the light, but one is the main reason most people avoid intimacy: rejection. It's a roadblock that I've not felt ready to overcome, yet. As I type this I really want to.

Don't get me wrong, I've made a lot of progress. I can maintain stability in my studies; I have a job now, which used to scare me senseless. I've studied abroad, and looked at grad schools seriously. I think about a lot of things in life differently than I used to because I talked about it with someone.

There is a high turnover rate of the psychologists at TU. They're grad students for the most part, so I've talked with four people over the past three years. If there is one lesson I've learned on my own, it is that change can be positive. My current guy: Jacob, I've only met twice with him. I think he's going to be good for me. I like people who can motivate me (or just give me permission to do what I want to do).

I was going to talk about how this week is going to go well, despite classes being canceled tomorrow, my lack of practicing, and the ice storm. I guess internal revelation trumps triviality. By the way, my younger sister, Victoria, prompted this. She posted on MySpace about her life coming full circle, and how she sees things a bit differently, now. So, thanks, girl.

Greeny

Current Mood: thankful
Current Location: My home away from home
Current Music: 1, 2, 3, 4 by Plain White Tees

I worried about today for the entire week preceding it. Would I get to play in my flag football game?

At first, no, because we had an orchestra rehearsal.
Then, amazingly, yes, because our conductor rescheduled.
Then...maybe, because I got sick on Friday. Finally, it all came down to knowing when the game was going to be played. When, you ask? 6:30pm. The earliest a game can be scheduled, and we've not had one at 6:30 all semester. I didn't remember. So, after band practice, where not knowing when the game was created a lot of misplaced relaxation, then I called our manager. This was at 6:25. Oh yeah. Thank goodness band practice is nearer to my University than my parents house. I got there late, but I got to play, and support the team at our last game.

Perhaps the least stressful thing would have been to skip the game, but I am glad to have played. Endorphins are wonderful, and this is the last semester I get to do this. We lost, as usual, but we played hard, and enjoyed it. Now that the season is over, I just have to convince my roommate to start playing racquetball with me again.

Today, to quote my most recent favorite knitting blog (archives get some people through the day), was "like buttah". Church was great. I finished my most urgent homework reading at lunch, talked to my older sister, and managed to get to band practice on time. Then the slight stress of football intervened, but now I have two whole hours to practice and read for tomorrow. Great stuff.

Oh yes, and I'm feeling much better, obviously. Why do I feel like I'm being sarcastic without meaning to? Le sigh.

Off I go, once again, into the sound of music.

Greeny

Current Mood: happy and tired
Current Location: My usual place of concealment within the city