deepgreen18

I think it's a record: two weeks without posting! My natural inclination in this kind of situation (letting a rather over-the-top not-so-good thing happen) is to smile and laugh. I honestly find it amusing, because what else can you do? Beating yourself up with guilt or nervousness isn't going to help. So...hi! I'm back again.

The last two weeks have been pretty normal. I've read too much fanfiction, haven't really practiced, and haven't really knit anything. Last Saturday (our gig) went extremely well. It wasn't a perfect performance, but there were only minor setbacks, and overall I had a lot of fun. I was rather scared on the day, and it was eerily similar to how I felt before my senior recital; even the result was similar. However everything else went, today is better than the Tuesday of two weeks ago. There are several reasons behind this: I've gotten more sleep than usual, my schedule is settling down into something predictable, my situation has a bright hope in the future (orchestra auditions, it's sort of a really good/bad situation), and I've re-acclimated to my environment. It's funny, I hadn't realized that I needed to get used to living at home again. I never felt so out-of-sorts while I was at Vienna, or even after, but I realized today that I've been inside the college culture for the past four years and changing from that to where I am now was a real adjustment.

I'm not taking any classes this semester besides my violin lessons. It was kind of a shock to understand how dependent I was and am on outside forces to order my life. My classes were an anchor and guide during my time at TU. I got up in time to attend them; I scheduled my time around my homework and everything else, and I relied on the teachers/faculty to be my caretakers. They were responsible for setting class times, teaching the material, giving assignments, and expecting me to come/learn/complete everything. In a way, it was very easy for me to coast on that relationship. I'm smart, I've never failed a class, and most are fairly easy for me. My biggest breakdowns in school came when I either could not complete the work assigned (ten page paper during freshman year) or they asked me to go above and beyond class responsibilities (concerto competition senior year).

Now I have no "caretakers" to assign me my life, and I've felt a bit adrift because of that. Thank goodness for counselors, huh? I do have goals, I just forgot them for a while. My biggest goal is to be a college professor of music. I don't know how much that goal will change as I attempt to achieve it, but for now, it is what I want to do. Thus, during this year off of school (out in the "real world") I will be working at least one job, and I will also be looking at and applying to graduate schools that are of interest to me. In all likelihood, my job(s) will gain me experience in my chosen field and some small monetary gain. Similarly, my search and applications will likely reap at least one acceptance. Then, off I go, back to school, maybe (hopefully) a bit less dependent on others to order my life for me.

I've never taken to change well. These past few months have underscored that for me, but once the change is past, I deal with it. Thank goodness I have people who are helping me deal with it well.